so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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