dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
