i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Randomize
