I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
