i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
It's official drugs can't kill me
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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