I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
