I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
