I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
