I don't usually arrange sex via text message
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
