Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
