did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
