So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
