I hate your face
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
my god I love twenty year old dicks
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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