he referred to my room as the tit cave...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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