literally had 100 drinks last night.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Randomize
