You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
