I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We have so much sex to catch up on
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
