yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I am mentally ready for anal.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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