I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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