The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
