I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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