It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I understand Curling. That high.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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