already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
