Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
