I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
