one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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