A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Two words: blizzard sex
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
