She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
