youre lurking in front of me
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
