his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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