Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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