Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
