I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
is it fun? or sober?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
