You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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