I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
