Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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