If i come over, it means nothing
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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