I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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