He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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