im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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