I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
