My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
