It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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