I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
