can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
