i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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