if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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