Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
