Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Do you still have your period?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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