The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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